more than anyone else
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Akito thinks about his life, but also how much he wishes to live... (note: aki+ ha pairing)


Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Fruits Basket.  
  
Many people will talk of being possessed. Many people will call their nonsensical ways a path to pure insanity. Still others will blame others for their own misfortune.  
  
Now, whether I was all or none of these things, I did not know.  
  
What I do know is that time is running out on me. That's why I can't have a clock near me. It makes me too nervous to look at them.  
  
Tick, tick, tick. They tell the time.  
  
They always tell me how much damn time I have left.  
  
More than anyone else.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
"You will die for others," they said to me.  
  
Destined by fate, this is the constant tale given to me. An excuse to justify why I must live and die so easily. They say it all so casually and as if it is such a great honor.  
  
My understanding of this all? They can't wait until I go away because I am their curse.  
  
Their true curse.  
  
I am the devil that gives them their unhappiness.  
  
I am the darkness that lies upon the household. But how ironic that I am the head of it. How wonderful that I am the one that they must look up to for everything.  
  
What do they know anyway?  
  
They gave me their unhappiness. And I shall give them mine.  
  
I did not choose, as the others also who have had to do with this damn family, but if I shall suffer, they must also. They can't understand my anger.  
  
It's too deep now. To etched within my skin.  
  
It's what is left of me.  
  
And in this, there is fear. Fear that I will not be remembered…  
  
So, even if it is in cruel thoughts, I want them to remember the name Akito. Infamous and fearsome.  
  
"AH!" I shouted as I grabbed my kimono over my heart. "IT HURTS!"  
  
They all bustle about and that's all right with me. They must do it for me.  
  
It is because they're told to. They're paid to.  
  
Not because of any servitude to me, though…  
  
Tears start to roll out because of the pain and I catch something in my hand and throw it at the wall. I scream, "HURRY!"  
  
My hand grabbed onto my kimono more.  
  
As if this stupid action would help the way I'm feeling.  
  
The door opens and there is Hatori. He closes the door behind him quietly as I cough and wheeze trying to grab the floor in between my fingers.   
  
With my eyes, I give him a scathing look that says in itself, "Where were you?"  
  
He comes closer to me and rubs my chest as he tells me to straighten up.   
  
"Answer my question, Hatori," I threaten as he pours me a glass of water.  
  
He then hands me the medicine and the water.  
  
"I was on the other side," he simply answers as I rest my head on his shoulder while he sits down.  
  
I drink my medicine, but I'm still coughing.   
  
He pats my back and instructs, "You shouldn't move around so much. Please do not be stubborn about this."  
  
I just tilt my head and look at him with a blank expression as my breathing dies down.  
  
"I have to go to another member," he tells me as he's about to move.  
  
I shake my head. "You're not going yet."  
  
He closes his eye and sighs. His eye opens once more, but it is looking elsewhere. Anywhere but my direction. At anything but me.  
  
I hate it whenever he does that…  
  
"I have to-" he starts to say, but then I get up and move to the window. With a single nod, I give him permission to leave.  
  
The door closes and I am again left in this godforsaken room all over again.   
  
I…  
  
I hate this silence…  
  
Too peaceful…  
  
I stare out the window and at the moon above me. White and pure as it can ever be.  
  
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.  
  
Cold…also…  
  
Just like Hatori.  
  
I am always at the window watching people come and go. Free to do as they please, and yet they all must subject themselves to my authority.  
  
They are able to live something…  
  
…SOMETHING outside of these walls!  
  
They are able to live.  
  
I envy them. Truly, I do.  
  
I am around so many people, and yet I am completely alone.  
  
They come to me when they need me and I go to them to needle them. To remind them of who I am.  
  
Making sure they know I live also.  
  
Even if it's in this decrepit form that I call a human body.  
  
They listen to me because they fear me and not because they care…  
  
…but there is an exception to everything.  
  
My exception's name is Hatori.  
  
My eyes dim a bit as I look at the ground and perch my arms loosely upon the window.  
  
I respect him because he does not fear me…  
  
My heart began to ache again, but for a different reason.  
  
I wanted him.  
  
And I was unafraid to show my jealousy for it.  
  
Authority, my ass, towards Kana!  
  
Jealousy can make you do many, many things. It makes you envy others lives and the way they can choose what they want.  
  
It makes you loathe yourself for being so pathetic.  
  
It makes you want to hurt the one you love the most.  
  
The door opened and he closed it again.  
  
"What are you doing back here?" I question with thin lips and a harsh tone without even turning around.  
  
"To check how you were doing." He then walked towards me. I could hear him come closer and closer to me.  
  
I turn around and shout, "Don't lie to me!"  
  
"Now, why would I lie to you?" Hatori sat in front of me and gave me his usual stoic face.  
  
My eyes divert themselves to look at his tie. Gently, I pull on his tie and him with it. I lean forward to whisper into his ear, "Because you can."  
  
The fool within me lets you, Hatori…  
  
I'll let you do whatever you want to me…  
  
I then pull away and let go of the tie as I put my hands on his cheeks. With my soft eyes, I look at the single one staring back at me. My hand goes up to brush against his bangs.  
  
He just continues to look at me.  
  
I see the open space where a human eye should have been.  
  
Going up on my knees, I lean forward to affectionately kiss this deep crevice.  
  
This scar that was the cause of his unhappiness.  
  
Something…  
  
Unfortunately, I was proud of.  
  
To let him know that he was mine.  
  
Mine and mine alone…  
  
I then undo his blouse buttons as he looks at me with an gentle expression that was his way of being affectionate. I stick my knee in between his right leg and lean forward while he pushed my kimono to fall onto my elbows.  
  
"No one can have you, Hatori…" I whisper as I push him slowly to the ground.   
  
He smirks at me and teases, "Oh, really?"  
  
Desparately, I look down at him. "No one can love you as much as I do…"  
  
At that moment, he grabbed the back of my head and grabbed my hair gently as he pulled for me to come down to the floor on top of him.  
  
I closed my eyes as he turned me over to reach under my kimono and kept on kissing me.  
  
"Hatori…" I called over and over as I felt him all over me.  
  
This will never be enough.  
  
I want to be closer to him…  
  
As he laid naked on my futon, I slept on him with my cheek next to his as he embraced me. I wrapped my arms around him as his eyes peacefully stayed asleep with the covers over us.  
  
But as I got up to look down at him, the covers slipped a bit and I sighed.  
  
You're the only one who knows or sees how I really see the world.  
  
How much I want from it.  
  
Only you understand…  
  
Only you care to understand me.  
  
That's why I love you so much.  
  
There's nothing worse than this. Not being so close or far away from the object of your affections.   
  
No, it isn't that. I fear death very much, but more than that, I fear this.  
  
This feeling inside of me.  
  
My anger consuming me and my love for you eating my soul (what's left of it) away.  
  
I can control everything in this household. I do everything in my power to get my way…  
  
But I can't do that with you.  
  
I value and cherish your sincerity. I live upon your caresses and the way you love me, even if it isn't right. But your greatest asset that I starve for is also your worst trait too. That cruelty that you call kindness and affection towards me.  
  
Everything takes time, though…  
  
and I don't even have much of that.  
  
And the more I look at you, the more I hurt deep inside of me. Frustration beyond compare and unable to say one word of it.  
  
You can erase memories,  
  
But your heart will always know the truth, won't it?  
  
A tear slipped from my eye and onto his face.  
  
I…  
  
I want you to love me more than anyone else…  
  
…but I can't control that.  
  
Owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I don't know why I made this, but ever since yesterday, when Akito pulled on Hatori's tie, I couldn't get that image from my mind. It was so sinisterly evil and desparate at the same time. (Damn, maybe I _am_ that naïve.) I usually am not scared by ghosts or many things in general…well, let's just say I don't scare easily. (Only 'the Ring' has scared me to date and not because it's scary but it's because it's painful to know there are just cruel people out there who truly like hurting people because of the way they've been hurt.) But Akito scares me. And it's even nerve-racking to know there are people like this in the world.  
  
I guess what scares me the most is that this in everyone. I am afraid because I know that I have this myself as well. Too many reasons to explain, but the main point is that I know that when I'm pushed, annoyed, and pissed beyond belief, I see nothing but red (and I mean this literally too). I can't distinguish between people, things…life or death. (Ah, my heart is cringing right now…) It was only two people that made me stop in time, whether through my anger or anxiety attacks…  
  
I couldn't understand Akito and I think the anime didn't explain him enough, or didn't show another side to him. I wanted to understand if it was obsession, fear, jealousy, etc. that drove him to be that way…  
  
And so, this fic was made. For me to understand these things…  
  
The song I chose to listen to do while doing this fic? Zetsuai's Bronze End Chapter, mochiron!  
  
(And yes, btw, I _am_ a diehard Hatori fangirl as well as a Yuki fangirl too!) 


End file.
